After two years of trying to be aware, living day by day in the here and now, being happy and all, I got a serious reality check.For a few months all alarm bells went off but ‘I’ believed ‘I’ was on the right track, being aware, wise, loving and peaceful…….. ding, ding, ding, NOT!!
What happened? How come that the few last months I found myself with a lot of negative emotions and thoughts all caused, of course, by other ‘unaware’ people. It felt like all people close to me were trying to screw me over, taking advantage of me, attacking me. What is wrong with the world, what is wrong with me? Well, I found the answer, nothing!
Like I said on the introduction page of this website I am just like anyone else and in the beginning of my journey to discover my true self. The last 8 years I discovered that meditation is a technique to grow my awareness and to make a connection with my true nature. More awareness definitely changed me, so many things indicate that this is, for me, the right path. I live more naturally, spontaneously, joyfully. I love things I never loved before, simple things like eating and cooking. Seriously, I never enjoyed it and thought it was a waste time. In my previous life, I couldn’t get out of bed, didn’t want to because my bed was to comfortable. Now, I don’t need an alarm clock and I get up around 6 every day, can you believe it. And so there are many more indicators for me that I actually enjoy life more and that I am becoming more aware.
Now back to my reality check. I found myself fighting with people I love and care about, but I also believe that if you truly love and care for a person you wouldn’t be able to hurt that person. Am I not really a loving and caring human being? This made me realize I should listen to my alarm bells and look inside.
As I see it now I have two states of mind, being aware and being unaware. The first year of my journey I meditated every day at least an hour and sometimes more. This gave me a solid foundation of awareness, even in difficult situations I could stay aware, but so far it is just a foundation and my Ego is still here. This Ego of mine is so cunning it even tricked me into unawareness. It said I was loving, peaceful and happy so not a lot more awareness or just ‘me time’ is needed. I believed I could deal with anything and anybody and I still would be Zen and in the here and now. Therefore I was just enjoying what I had and felt really happy and content and ……unaware….. When I am aware it is really easy to see when I was unaware but when I am unaware it don’t realize I am unaware………..
So things changed and I got out of balance, stressed, annoyed by situations and people. Tried to control the situation, influence the people I thought I loved. I found myself dominated by my Ego and I really felt hurt which resulted in destructive behavior that hurt me and the people I love.
So what did I do to get out of it?
First of all, I knew I was responsible for my feelings and the way I perceive, me, people and situations. So I started there. Second of all I knew there were too many things to handle so I asked for help. Sometimes you can’t do things all by yourself. And last but not least I remembered what helped me out of this mess before, awareness!
Hereby I would like to share with you some wisdom that helped me a lot getting trough these shaky times.
The ordinary mind always throws the responsibility on somebody else. It is always the other who is making you suffer. Your girlfriend is making you suffer, your boyfriend is making you suffer, your parents are making you suffer, your children are making you suffer, or the financial system of the society, capitalism, communism, fascism, the prevalent political ideology, the social structure, or fate, karma, God… you name it……
People have millions of ways to shirk responsibility. But the moment you say somebody else — x, y, z — is making you suffer, then you cannot do anything to change it. What can you do? When the society changes and there is a classless world, then everybody will be happy. Before it, it is not possible. How can you be happy in a society which is poor? And how can you be happy in a society which is dominated by the capitalists? How can you be happy with a society which is bureaucratic? How can you be happy with a society which does not allow you freedom?
Excuses and excuses and excuses — excuses just to avoid one single insight that “I am responsible for myself. Nobody else is responsible for me; it is absolutely and utterly my responsibility. Whatsoever I am, I am my own creation.”
Drive all blame into one!
And that one is you. Once this insight settles: “I am responsible for my life — for all my suffering, for my pain, for all that has happened to me and is happening to me — I have chosen it this way; these are the seeds that I sowed and now I am reaping the crop; I am responsible” — once this insight becomes a natural understanding in you, then everything else is simple. Then life starts taking a new turn, starts moving into a new dimension. That dimension is conversion, revolution, mutation — because once I know I am responsible, I also know that I can drop it any moment I decide to. Nobody can prevent me from dropping it.
Can anybody prevent you from dropping your misery, from transforming your misery into bliss? Nobody. Even if you are in a jail, chained, imprisoned, nobody can imprison you; your soul still remains free.
Of course you have a very limited situation, but even in that limited situation you can sing a song. You can either cry tears of helplessness or you can sing a song. Even with chains on your feet you can dance; then even the sound of the chains will have a melody to it.
Osho, the Book of Wisdom, Ch 5
For now I am going to climb a mountain (literally), love to hear your thoughts on this…..